How to Heal Your Fear of Failure?

How to Heal Your Fear of Failure?

Have you ever been so afraid of failing at something that you decided not to try it at all?

Or has a fear of failure meant that, subconsciously, you undermined your own efforts to avoid the possibility of a larger failure?

Has fear lead you to sorrow, apathy, guilt and shame?

Many of us have probably experienced this at one time or another. The fear of failing can be immobilizing – it can cause us to do nothing, and therefore resist moving forward. But when we allow fear to stop our forward progress in life, we’re likely to miss some great opportunities along the way.

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Fear of failure is one of the strongest emotions as it can take over our body and lead us in a ‘descent into hell’ by getting us in a spiral of suffering vibrations and then our energy goes down, down, down…

In this descent into hell, fear makes us first contract into anxiety apprehension and worry. We become fearful and reluctant to try new things or get involved in challenging projects or follow through with goals.

This makes us suffer and we contract even more and by doing so we move to the next station below: Sorrow. We feel sorrow, misery, loneliness, a state of agony. At a certain point, the pain becomes so overwhelming that we contract even harder and we fall one level below into numbness, apathy.

Apathy leads us to a feeling of fatigue, lassitude, disinterest, blues… It paralyses us and stops us from doing the things that can move us forward to achieve our goals.

This leads us inevitably to the next station below: guilt. At this level of suffering our inner criticus, our inner self-saboteur gets activated and starts lynching us with blame, culpability, regrets. Our self-confidence drops dramatically, and we start commonly using negative statements such as “I’ll never be good enough to get that promotion,” or “I’m not smart enough to get on that team”, “I don’t deserve that person/job/house/life”.

And then we reach our next destination in our descent into hell: shame. Here we reach the bottom of low self-esteem and we are overpowered by the low vibrations of humiliation, disgust and self-reproach. This is the critical point into our descent to hell, because if we go lower then we end up into self-hatred and self-destruction.

The good news: we don’t have to stay forever in this sate of being. There are ways to get out of there. Next week I will tell you about few simple and efficient strategies to fall graciously in hell and raise gloriously to heaven.

But before, tell me: what about YOU? How is your ‘descent to hell’?

Unforgettable: Divine Dance in a Church in… Istanbul!

Unforgettable: Divine Dance in a Church in… Istanbul!

This year I celebrated the International Women’s day in Istanbul where I gave a lecture, with the Divine 9 dance, about FeMale Leadership in an old Chapel from the 16th century! Unforgettable experience!

When I entered the space, I felt overwhelmed by emotions, sad and happy ones.

The first emotions were full with the low vibrations of sadness and grief. Once upon time, long time ago, this Divine Dance was practiced in temples to honour the Divine Feminine in every woman, and every man. That was about 4000 years ago, when the society was matriarchal with an egalitarian system between women and men.

When our civilization moved from matriarchy to patriarchy, these dances were banned from temples and confined to… brothels. So, I felt first the sadness and the pain of excluding this ancient female dance from the sacred space to confine it to the pornified space.

Then followed emotions of pride, joy and gratitude. Proud to be women, proud to be feminine, proud to practice this Divine Dance in a chapel/church. I felt deep gratitude to re-write history, to change the narratives, and to bring this feminine Divine Dance back home where it belongs: the sacred space

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And while swinging with my audience in a Christian chapel, in Istanbul, in a Muslim country turning from progressive to conservative, I made a prayer.

I prayed that one day, in my life time, the Muslim religious institutions will open their sacred space for the feminine and that I will lead my Divine dance in a mosque!

In meanwhile, let’s dream, pray and act so that our political, economic and religious institutions, everywhere in the world, open the space to the FeMale Leadership to rise and shine.

And ladies and gentlemen, let’s start now by dancing in any religious-sacred space we enter. Bring the feminine back to the religious institutions whether a chapel, a church, a temple, a synagogue, a mosque, or any other worshipping space.

Dance and worship the feminine, in every woman and in every man. Do it in your own unique way!

Dance as a dream, dance as a prayer, dance as an act of rebellion and hope…

Dance, dance, dance…

Dance when you’re broken open
Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off
Dance in the middle of the fighting
Dance when you’re perfectly free

Rumi

Dance when you’re broken open
Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off
Dance in the middle of the fighting
Dance when you’re perfectly free

Rumi

Kaouthar-Darmoni-Istanbul
Kaouthar
How to feel sensual and attractive like Aphrodite while you look like RoboCop?

How to feel sensual and attractive like Aphrodite while you look like RoboCop?

I was born and raised in North-Africa, sun, sea, desert… As a child I always dreamed of mountains covered with snow, of pine trees camouflaged under a thick layer of powder snow… looking like elegant ladies wearing white evening dresses and ready to dance the Waltz on top of the mountains…

I skied only twice in my life. It went better than expected, for an African girl learning to ski in her 50’s! But this year, I was not that lucky! I had a ski accident and a bad knee injury. The doctors advised an operation, but I refused. I don’t believe in the quick fix. I believe in the power of the body healing itself. But it’s a long way to go. I just removed the plaster and now revalidating and walking around with crutches and a full leg brace. I feel like RoboCop, and not a sexy one!

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I am going through lots of ups and downs. I use my own online training to force myself to dance everyday, with pain, brace and crutches… otherwise I would get crazy, especially with the winter days…

On my dark days, I feel down and depressed. I dance looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I use the Wild Woman videos: lots of shimmies, pelvis kicks, trance dances. I follow myself on the screen and cry, feeling miserable and crippled, completely helpless.

The bazooka and guillotine pelvis release a kind of desperate anger deep inside of me. And then I can only cry and scream: F**k! F**k! F**k! Asking the Divine: “Why this? Why me? Why now?”

On my normal days, I combine videos of shimmies and kicks of the Wild Woman with videos of snakes and circles of the Sensual Woman. I reach through the movements a state of acceptance and inner peace. I feel waves of gratitude, trusting that the Divine knows what s/he is doing…

On my shiny days, I use mostly the Sensual Woman videos, to experience the Aphrodite energy, to feel alive, vibrant, sensual… Dancing graciously and sensually on crutches is not a success yet… But I’m getting better and better at it. It looks strange, but it feels good!

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My dance keeps me sane, full of hope and trust. And gratitude! I am grateful I am alive. I am grateful I received this Divine Dance from my female ancestors. I am grateful I made this online education to help other women, and now to help myself. It’s great I can use the videos to dance at home, at my own pace, to heal and empower my wounded feminine.

Life is magical, and it unfolds its beauty in mysterious ways. Johan Cruijff (Dutch footballer) says: ‘every disadvantage has an advantage’. The disadvantage of not travelling and working abroad at the moment has the advantage that I can put now more energy into writing, my next Ted Talk and my book!

My new Ted Talk (9 February 2019, Austria, see below) is, like the previous one, a mix of talking and dancing, with this time an extra flavor: I will go on stage with brace and crutches! YES!

I postponed my international bootcamps for later (see new dates below). I work only in Amsterdam the coming months. I am looking so much forward to dancing with you and celebrate Saint Valentine at the Aphrodite bootcamp 16-17 February in my beautiful studio-temple on the canals of Amsterdam.

I am exercising now the Aphrodite sexy walks with crutches! Not there yet… Right now, I look like these little girls of 2 walking in the high heels of their moms… But I promise you that by 16 February it will look good!

I am learning one thing for sure: if you can feel sensual, sexy, attractive, gracious while dancing like an Aphrodite-RoboCop, with brace and crutches, then you have succeeded to have an unshakable self-confidence in your feminine beauty, no matter what challenges life throws on you!!

Boussa,

With love and crutches,

Kaouthar

PS.

How to Heal from (Winter) Depression?

How to Heal from (Winter) Depression?

I was always afraid of depression. I come from a family with a long ‘depressive history’, with many depressive women (and men, but these won’t admit it of course).

By nature I am a joyful optimist person. But every Dutch winter (I live in beautiful Amsterdam), I get ‘hit’ by a depressive wave.

I did not know how to deal with depression until I started practicing my Divine 9 Dance Therapy. Dancing our ‘female collective depression’, the low emotional vibrations when we feel worthless, powerless, hopeless, shameful, guilty, lonely…

How-to-Heal-from-(Winter)-Depression

Dancing these vibrations helps us to better understand that the mysteries of women can be seen not only through the clinical eye but also through the eye of the feminine psyche.

The Divine 9 Dance is place where we can see our shadows as a rite of passage, an opportunity for embracing all facets of the Feminine. Also, the depressive one.

The Shimmies dances in particular are a powerful tool to shake out of our body and soul the low emotional vibrations, to free the energy stuck in our system and causing us depression.

In the beginning, the Shimmies (especially belly, chest and hips shimmies) create a place where we can fall apart, feel dismantled… We need to keep on dancing and embracing the pain… and trust! Many women who practice these movements at home with the online education report that they have to cry a lot and have a bad sleep for few days…

I advised them to trust, themselves and the dance, and to continue practicing with the videos. They soon realized that the movements gave them the courage to explore that ‘dark and hidden’ part of themselves, that depressive part we are ashamed and scared of.

They trusted more and danced more. They realized that the more they danced the shadow of pain, the better they could rise to the light of joy. They felt re-born, experiencing the power of death and life.

The Divine Dance as I practiced as a child with my female tribe in Tunisia and today with my female tribe all over the world is a dance of healing, self-kindness, self-empowerment.

But before the divine transformation, we must first connect with the pain of depression. For how could we experience such divine love without first feeling the divine flame?

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This dance reconstructed me as a woman and thousands of other women with me. Dancing with my women has a cathartic and healing nature! My eternal gratitude to you and all the women who allowed me to help them so that I could help myself! 1001 Merci to you!

With Love,
Boussa,
Kaouthar

PS. I have helped women all over the world to heal the depressive woman within, and I would love to help YOU! This is why I created an online education where you learn, in the comfort of your home, my Divine 9 Dance TherapyⓇ. Empower your-self, Become you own and best healer-therapist!

//kaouthar.com/d9d

PSS. Free The Wild Woman in You (level one) has lots of Shimmies and is excellent to heal you from low emotional vibrations!

How to survive holidays with your (dysfunctional) family?

How to survive holidays with your (dysfunctional) family?

The last time I celebrated Christmas with my family was … 20 years ago.

I love my mom and my mom loves me. But we cannot be together more than few hours without having an argument. We argue always about the same old subject: religion and life style. My family is very conservative, on the fundamentalist side. I am, as we say in Tunisia, on the side of ‘Islam Light’. We clash continuously about this difference.

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I decided to spend this Christmas with my family in the Tunisian mountains. It would be for me the ultimate test about ‘Teach What You Preach’. How to use during the inevitable clash with my family my Divine9Dance and especially the Cabasa (vulva dance) to 1. Stay calm 2. Stay connected to what I feel 3. Do not fight 4. Put my boundaries with grace & firmness.

This would be a hell of a challenge! Especially with my mom. My Guinness record with my mom has been 3 hours without a drama so far. After 3 hours I usually fall into a childhood regression, behaving like a little girl of 6: pleasing her or freaking out on her. Spending few days would be far beyond my comfort zone. It really felt like entering a dangerous zone.

I have been preparing myself the last weeks by dancing and rehearsing how I will act when my mother starts her ‘Allah madness’ attacks. I had plan A, B, C, D… My mom is a die-hard type, I need to be well prepared with few strategies!

Maman began already in the bus carrying us from the sea-side of Sousse to the mountains in the North. 6 hours stuck next to my mum in the bus. No escape.
She started her usual preaching monologue about my life style: basically, that I must live like a ‘good’ Muslim (mind the good), that I should wear a veil, pray 5 times a day, go with her to Mecca (Saudi-Arabia) for pilgrim… And that I must raise my little boy also as a good Muslim, teach him the REAL Islam, bla bla bla…

I have been hearing this for 40 years, day in day out… The text is still the same, as fanatic and compulsive as before… I had so many fights about it. But I don’t want to fight anymore. I am tired of fighting. I just want to have good time with my mom.

So, I started Plan A: Cabasa. While listening to my mom, breathe deeply and squeeze/release rhythmically my pelvic floor muscles: 1. Squeeze perineum 2. Squeeze vagina 3. Squeeze urethra 4. Squeeze clitoris. 5-6-7-8. Hold it, hold it, hold it. Then 1. Release clitoris 2. Release urethra 3-4. Release vagina 5-6-7-8. Release perineum. Repeat again… Breathe in and taking new calm energy, breathe out and let go of stress and negativity.

I was hearing all my mom’s words, words that used to make me feel disrespected, invaded, unseen… But now I could stay calm and friendly, her words did not enter my system. The Cabasa created a kind of an invisible wall around me, protecting me from her poisonous words, without spacing out, while staying connected to her. I felt relaxed, calm and my heart was open and connected to hers.

My mother encouraged by my calmness and friendliness thought that I appreciated her religious delirium. She became more audacious. She moved to the next level: attacking my love life. That it was a terrible sin that I was with a non-Muslim, non-Arab, non-Tunisian man (I am with a Dutchman), that I will burn into hell…

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While listening to her cruel words, I was desperately trying to feel my body, but could not. I felt numb. Time for plan B. I accelerated my Cabasa dance, but it did not help. Only thing I could feel was my anus muscles and the lower part of my perineum strongly contracted, which means I feel stressed, threatened, in danger. And in danger there is one letter more than anger.

I kept on practicing the Cabasa and trying desperately to FEEL my body. Little by little I started to feel a subtle fire energy in my womb area. I wanted to amplify that feeling. Time for plan C. I added the Bazooka to my Cabasa, squeezing and making a pelvic tilt, releasing and dropping my belly button down. Little by little, I felt a rush of energy in my pelvis. I intensified the movement Bazooka-Cabasa and felt like a lava energy running in my pelvis, a volcanic liquid fire circulating in my belly. Anger was rising from my belly-pelvis, but in a calm way. My warrior was awakening, calm, firm, determined to protect me and put clear boundaries to the invader.

My mom kept her blaming and shaming monologue. I felt anger in my belly and stress in my chest. I brought my attention to my heart and started doing the Chest Snake to figure out what I was feeling there. My heart was full of sorrow and guilt. I love my mom. I don’t want to have another fight with her about this stupid subject. How to put my boundaries without having a fight? I’m tired of fighting with her about this. I just want to love her and spend some good time with her. But I don’t want her to invade my personal space and belittle me like she has been doing since I was a child. I don’t want that kind of emotional abuse anymore.

Time for plan D. I kept on gently snaking with my chest combined with the Cabasa. I felt calm and centered again. And I thought: how to bring the best out of my mom? She can be such a good laugh, funny, smart, generous, loving, caring, supportive, empowering. She can also be crazy, hallucinating, aggressive, oppressive, mean, cruel… How can I get her out of her shadows (religious fanaticism) to her lights (her humor and humanism)?

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While I was snaking my mom was getting more and more agitated. She started treating my Dutch boyfriend with ‘Kafer’ (an infidel, a horrible negative word to designate a non-Muslim). Her eyes were dilating, her breath was becoming staccato, her voice high-pitched accusing me’: ‘You are such a shame for the family! You should be ashamed of yourself! You are such a bad daughter, a bad Muslim, a bad example for your little boy! You will end up burning in hell because of your immoral behavior!’
I felt my Cabasa pulsating faster and faster, meaning I was getting really angry. I was running out of plans. My body switched naturally from snaking with my chest to bazooka, making pelvic kicks. Anger was taking over. Anger for me is danger. I know I am good into taking my bazooka out and shooting! I know that with my bazooka energy, my ‘enemy’ has no chance! I can destroy the whole world if I want to. I know that.

But I don’t want to do that. Not with the ones I love, especially not with my mom, no matter how aggressive and unreasonable she can be. But how to put firmly my boundaries while stay with an open heart and connected? How to transform my anger in a constructive energy? How to be angry with love and grace?

Before my brain could provide me with an answer, my body did. I could see that my body has reached the ‘unconsciously competent’ level with my Divine9Dance and that my body knew what to do. It started to combine the wild energy of the bazooka pelvis with the sensual energy of the snake chest. Little by little I felt these two energies merging, fire and water, connecting me deeply with the wisdom of my womb and that of my heart. My Cabasa was getting more and more intensive, squeeze, release, breathe… The pulsations in my vagina combined with the bazooka were functioning like a catapult, throwing the fire lava energy of my pelvis to my chest. Once that energy reached my upper body, it was taken over by the water energy of the snake chest.

My body wisdom was in full action. I felt the lava energy of my pelvis cleaning my heart from old sorrow and guilt. Little by little the movement became a full snake involving my pelvis, belly and chest. I felt my heart expanding and full of strength. I started doing ‘Warrior of the Heart’ circles with my chest… Thanks to the Cabasa, I could do all these movements in a deep yet subtitle way, hardly visible to the external eye.

How-to-survive-holidays-with-your-(dysfunctional)-family

From that space I started to talk to my mom. She interrupted me few times and continued her religious delirium. I kept on undulating and repeating my words ‘Mama, how would you feel if somebody insults you as an ‘infidel’ just because you have a different religious belief? Just because you are a Muslim?’ My mother of course did not want to hear this. She went on with her monologue… I went on with squeezing, releasing, undulating and asking her the same question, again and again… The more I danced, the more I felt calm and soft, yet fierce and determined to put my boundaries.

My mom was getting aggressive and started to shout… I stayed calm, dancing from inside and repeating the same question. I felt strong, focused and loving.
Little by little my mom started to slow down her verbal poison and eventually she stopped and started listening to me. I could express myself clearly from my strength and vulnerability. To tell her how much it hurts to be judged, belittled, ignored. To tell her how much I love her and how much I will never ever accept that kind of emotional and verbal abuse from her anymore. Game over.

From my inner strength, I showed her my vulnerability and I noticed her energy was shifting. She ended up crying and apologizing (a unicum for my mom!) She said how much she loves me and how much she was scared to lose me. She shared about her dreams and how badly she wanted me to be with her later in another life. That was so cute! We ended up hugging each other during a long embrace. It was our best holiday ever.

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PS. Leave your comment below. How do you manage such situations with your beloved ones? What do you do? Love reading you!

PSS. In need for more inner strength to put your boundaries with the ones you love? Check my online education ‘The Art of being Feminine. The first part, Free the Wild Woman in You ! is perfect for this issue!

How to Stop Playing Small and Start Playing BIG! In 2019 the world needs your Feminine Greatness!

How to Stop Playing Small and Start Playing BIG! In 2019 the world needs your Feminine Greatness!

I remember so well how the 17-year old Klara came to my dance classes for the first time, with her bouncy blonde curls and still wearing braces on her teeth. When I asked her why she wanted to learn this ancient Arab dance, she answered ‘My dream is to dance like Shakira!’ I had a good laughter and told her ‘That’s easy! But I can give you more than Shakira!’

Klara danced with me for years. One day she came to me, to proudly announce that she was admitted to The School of Arts University to become a documentary maker. The personal stories I shared during the dance about my childhood intrigued her. Even though I told them with a lot of humor, Klara felt there was much more than just a ‘funny story’.

She told me: “Your work, your story, your journey and everything you tell during your classes, they just grasp my attention, they are so inspirational. I feel like these stories need to leave your dance-studio, they need to be told to the rest of the world. Everybody should know about what you’re doing, how you started doing it, why you want to help women, why you teach this dance so different from others, …“

And so was the idea for a documentary born. I got many requests from film-crews and documentary makers, but I never wanted to allow these professionals to enter my sacred dance sessions. But with Klara it was different. She was an insider. She was one of the girls, not a voyeur-film maker looking through a camera lens. She knows my work not only from seeing it, but also from dancing it, feeling it. And she was a young student with lots of potential and drive, this new generation young women I want to inspire and empower so that they carry on the mission.

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Klara followed me for at least 4 years, travelling with me to Germany, Austria, Tunisia… Together with her film crew, all women, and especially with Fiona her camera woman, they defined a good filming strategy to approach my work and film my women with beauty, respect and dignity. They managed not only to win my trust, but also the trust of all these great women who opened their most intimate experiences to Klara’s camera.

Klara wanted to dance like Shakira. But I gave her more. I saw this young, naive girl growing into a strong woman, standing feminine, proud, with her ‘happy boobs’ chest up while accomplishing everything she wanted.

She called her documentary Coco Cabasa. Coco was my nickname in Tunisia as a little girl. Cabasa is the core of my Divine9Dance: dancing with the vulva muscles, to bring women quickly and deeply in touch with the primal power in their womb.

Coco Cabasa became a great success: it has its premiere at the IDFA festival (the world’s biggest and most prestigious documentary festival), travelling the world from France, to Germany, Italy, Mexico… And now, making it available for everyone on the biggest documentary streaming platform, also called the Netflix documentary platform: Guide Doc!

Klara stared playing small, she just wanted to dance like Shakira. I wanted her, like all women, to play big. She was scared but she trusted me and allowed me to take her hand and guide her with my dance. She ended up at the age of 22 as a film maker at the world’s biggest and most prestigious documentary festival! And that was just the start…

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The path of Klara is not unique. I had the privilege to empower thousands of women around the world, and many of them are exceptionally rising in their professional and personal life, like Klara. I would love to help you achieve the same. The world needs your feminine achievements. The world needs more feminine beauty, grace and power. Help yourself and help the world. And let me have the pleasure and privilege to help YOU!

We can start your feminine empowerment journey NOW! I just released my new online education, Divine9Dance® The Art of Being Feminine. Join me now and get many goodies, especially the FREE access to Klara’s documentary Coco Cabasa as part of other exciting Christmas gifts!

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