How to survive holidays with your (dysfunctional) family?

How to survive holidays with your (dysfunctional) family?

The last time I celebrated Christmas with my family was … 20 years ago.

I love my mom and my mom loves me. But we cannot be together more than few hours without having an argument. We argue always about the same old subject: religion and life style. My family is very conservative, on the fundamentalist side. I am, as we say in Tunisia, on the side of ‘Islam Light’. We clash continuously about this difference.

How-to-survive-holidays-with-your-(dysfunctional)-family

I decided to spend this Christmas with my family in the Tunisian mountains. It would be for me the ultimate test about ‘Teach What You Preach’. How to use during the inevitable clash with my family my Divine9Dance and especially the Cabasa (vulva dance) to 1. Stay calm 2. Stay connected to what I feel 3. Do not fight 4. Put my boundaries with grace & firmness.

This would be a hell of a challenge! Especially with my mom. My Guinness record with my mom has been 3 hours without a drama so far. After 3 hours I usually fall into a childhood regression, behaving like a little girl of 6: pleasing her or freaking out on her. Spending few days would be far beyond my comfort zone. It really felt like entering a dangerous zone.

I have been preparing myself the last weeks by dancing and rehearsing how I will act when my mother starts her ‘Allah madness’ attacks. I had plan A, B, C, D… My mom is a die-hard type, I need to be well prepared with few strategies!

Maman began already in the bus carrying us from the sea-side of Sousse to the mountains in the North. 6 hours stuck next to my mum in the bus. No escape.
She started her usual preaching monologue about my life style: basically, that I must live like a ‘good’ Muslim (mind the good), that I should wear a veil, pray 5 times a day, go with her to Mecca (Saudi-Arabia) for pilgrim… And that I must raise my little boy also as a good Muslim, teach him the REAL Islam, bla bla bla…

I have been hearing this for 40 years, day in day out… The text is still the same, as fanatic and compulsive as before… I had so many fights about it. But I don’t want to fight anymore. I am tired of fighting. I just want to have good time with my mom.

So, I started Plan A: Cabasa. While listening to my mom, breathe deeply and squeeze/release rhythmically my pelvic floor muscles: 1. Squeeze perineum 2. Squeeze vagina 3. Squeeze urethra 4. Squeeze clitoris. 5-6-7-8. Hold it, hold it, hold it. Then 1. Release clitoris 2. Release urethra 3-4. Release vagina 5-6-7-8. Release perineum. Repeat again… Breathe in and taking new calm energy, breathe out and let go of stress and negativity.

I was hearing all my mom’s words, words that used to make me feel disrespected, invaded, unseen… But now I could stay calm and friendly, her words did not enter my system. The Cabasa created a kind of an invisible wall around me, protecting me from her poisonous words, without spacing out, while staying connected to her. I felt relaxed, calm and my heart was open and connected to hers.

My mother encouraged by my calmness and friendliness thought that I appreciated her religious delirium. She became more audacious. She moved to the next level: attacking my love life. That it was a terrible sin that I was with a non-Muslim, non-Arab, non-Tunisian man (I am with a Dutchman), that I will burn into hell…

How-to-survive-holidays-with-your-(dysfunctional)-family

While listening to her cruel words, I was desperately trying to feel my body, but could not. I felt numb. Time for plan B. I accelerated my Cabasa dance, but it did not help. Only thing I could feel was my anus muscles and the lower part of my perineum strongly contracted, which means I feel stressed, threatened, in danger. And in danger there is one letter more than anger.

I kept on practicing the Cabasa and trying desperately to FEEL my body. Little by little I started to feel a subtle fire energy in my womb area. I wanted to amplify that feeling. Time for plan C. I added the Bazooka to my Cabasa, squeezing and making a pelvic tilt, releasing and dropping my belly button down. Little by little, I felt a rush of energy in my pelvis. I intensified the movement Bazooka-Cabasa and felt like a lava energy running in my pelvis, a volcanic liquid fire circulating in my belly. Anger was rising from my belly-pelvis, but in a calm way. My warrior was awakening, calm, firm, determined to protect me and put clear boundaries to the invader.

My mom kept her blaming and shaming monologue. I felt anger in my belly and stress in my chest. I brought my attention to my heart and started doing the Chest Snake to figure out what I was feeling there. My heart was full of sorrow and guilt. I love my mom. I don’t want to have another fight with her about this stupid subject. How to put my boundaries without having a fight? I’m tired of fighting with her about this. I just want to love her and spend some good time with her. But I don’t want her to invade my personal space and belittle me like she has been doing since I was a child. I don’t want that kind of emotional abuse anymore.

Time for plan D. I kept on gently snaking with my chest combined with the Cabasa. I felt calm and centered again. And I thought: how to bring the best out of my mom? She can be such a good laugh, funny, smart, generous, loving, caring, supportive, empowering. She can also be crazy, hallucinating, aggressive, oppressive, mean, cruel… How can I get her out of her shadows (religious fanaticism) to her lights (her humor and humanism)?

How-to-survive-holidays-with-your-(dysfunctional)-family

While I was snaking my mom was getting more and more agitated. She started treating my Dutch boyfriend with ‘Kafer’ (an infidel, a horrible negative word to designate a non-Muslim). Her eyes were dilating, her breath was becoming staccato, her voice high-pitched accusing me’: ‘You are such a shame for the family! You should be ashamed of yourself! You are such a bad daughter, a bad Muslim, a bad example for your little boy! You will end up burning in hell because of your immoral behavior!’
I felt my Cabasa pulsating faster and faster, meaning I was getting really angry. I was running out of plans. My body switched naturally from snaking with my chest to bazooka, making pelvic kicks. Anger was taking over. Anger for me is danger. I know I am good into taking my bazooka out and shooting! I know that with my bazooka energy, my ‘enemy’ has no chance! I can destroy the whole world if I want to. I know that.

But I don’t want to do that. Not with the ones I love, especially not with my mom, no matter how aggressive and unreasonable she can be. But how to put firmly my boundaries while stay with an open heart and connected? How to transform my anger in a constructive energy? How to be angry with love and grace?

Before my brain could provide me with an answer, my body did. I could see that my body has reached the ‘unconsciously competent’ level with my Divine9Dance and that my body knew what to do. It started to combine the wild energy of the bazooka pelvis with the sensual energy of the snake chest. Little by little I felt these two energies merging, fire and water, connecting me deeply with the wisdom of my womb and that of my heart. My Cabasa was getting more and more intensive, squeeze, release, breathe… The pulsations in my vagina combined with the bazooka were functioning like a catapult, throwing the fire lava energy of my pelvis to my chest. Once that energy reached my upper body, it was taken over by the water energy of the snake chest.

My body wisdom was in full action. I felt the lava energy of my pelvis cleaning my heart from old sorrow and guilt. Little by little the movement became a full snake involving my pelvis, belly and chest. I felt my heart expanding and full of strength. I started doing ‘Warrior of the Heart’ circles with my chest… Thanks to the Cabasa, I could do all these movements in a deep yet subtitle way, hardly visible to the external eye.

How-to-survive-holidays-with-your-(dysfunctional)-family

From that space I started to talk to my mom. She interrupted me few times and continued her religious delirium. I kept on undulating and repeating my words ‘Mama, how would you feel if somebody insults you as an ‘infidel’ just because you have a different religious belief? Just because you are a Muslim?’ My mother of course did not want to hear this. She went on with her monologue… I went on with squeezing, releasing, undulating and asking her the same question, again and again… The more I danced, the more I felt calm and soft, yet fierce and determined to put my boundaries.

My mom was getting aggressive and started to shout… I stayed calm, dancing from inside and repeating the same question. I felt strong, focused and loving.
Little by little my mom started to slow down her verbal poison and eventually she stopped and started listening to me. I could express myself clearly from my strength and vulnerability. To tell her how much it hurts to be judged, belittled, ignored. To tell her how much I love her and how much I will never ever accept that kind of emotional and verbal abuse from her anymore. Game over.

From my inner strength, I showed her my vulnerability and I noticed her energy was shifting. She ended up crying and apologizing (a unicum for my mom!) She said how much she loves me and how much she was scared to lose me. She shared about her dreams and how badly she wanted me to be with her later in another life. That was so cute! We ended up hugging each other during a long embrace. It was our best holiday ever.

How-to-survive-holidays-with-your-(dysfunctional)-family

PS. Leave your comment below. How do you manage such situations with your beloved ones? What do you do? Love reading you!

PSS. In need for more inner strength to put your boundaries with the ones you love? Check my online education ‘The Art of being Feminine. The first part, Free the Wild Woman in You ! is perfect for this issue!

How to Stop Playing Small and Start Playing BIG! In 2019 the world needs your Feminine Greatness!

How to Stop Playing Small and Start Playing BIG! In 2019 the world needs your Feminine Greatness!

I remember so well how the 17-year old Klara came to my dance classes for the first time, with her bouncy blonde curls and still wearing braces on her teeth. When I asked her why she wanted to learn this ancient Arab dance, she answered ‘My dream is to dance like Shakira!’ I had a good laughter and told her ‘That’s easy! But I can give you more than Shakira!’

Klara danced with me for years. One day she came to me, to proudly announce that she was admitted to The School of Arts University to become a documentary maker. The personal stories I shared during the dance about my childhood intrigued her. Even though I told them with a lot of humor, Klara felt there was much more than just a ‘funny story’.

She told me: “Your work, your story, your journey and everything you tell during your classes, they just grasp my attention, they are so inspirational. I feel like these stories need to leave your dance-studio, they need to be told to the rest of the world. Everybody should know about what you’re doing, how you started doing it, why you want to help women, why you teach this dance so different from others, …“

And so was the idea for a documentary born. I got many requests from film-crews and documentary makers, but I never wanted to allow these professionals to enter my sacred dance sessions. But with Klara it was different. She was an insider. She was one of the girls, not a voyeur-film maker looking through a camera lens. She knows my work not only from seeing it, but also from dancing it, feeling it. And she was a young student with lots of potential and drive, this new generation young women I want to inspire and empower so that they carry on the mission.

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Klara followed me for at least 4 years, travelling with me to Germany, Austria, Tunisia… Together with her film crew, all women, and especially with Fiona her camera woman, they defined a good filming strategy to approach my work and film my women with beauty, respect and dignity. They managed not only to win my trust, but also the trust of all these great women who opened their most intimate experiences to Klara’s camera.

Klara wanted to dance like Shakira. But I gave her more. I saw this young, naive girl growing into a strong woman, standing feminine, proud, with her ‘happy boobs’ chest up while accomplishing everything she wanted.

She called her documentary Coco Cabasa. Coco was my nickname in Tunisia as a little girl. Cabasa is the core of my Divine9Dance: dancing with the vulva muscles, to bring women quickly and deeply in touch with the primal power in their womb.

Coco Cabasa became a great success: it has its premiere at the IDFA festival (the world’s biggest and most prestigious documentary festival), travelling the world from France, to Germany, Italy, Mexico… And now, making it available for everyone on the biggest documentary streaming platform, also called the Netflix documentary platform: Guide Doc!

Klara stared playing small, she just wanted to dance like Shakira. I wanted her, like all women, to play big. She was scared but she trusted me and allowed me to take her hand and guide her with my dance. She ended up at the age of 22 as a film maker at the world’s biggest and most prestigious documentary festival! And that was just the start…

Kaouthar-Darmoni-Coco-Cabasa-poster

The path of Klara is not unique. I had the privilege to empower thousands of women around the world, and many of them are exceptionally rising in their professional and personal life, like Klara. I would love to help you achieve the same. The world needs your feminine achievements. The world needs more feminine beauty, grace and power. Help yourself and help the world. And let me have the pleasure and privilege to help YOU!

We can start your feminine empowerment journey NOW! I just released my new online education, Divine9Dance® The Art of Being Feminine. Join me now and get many goodies, especially the FREE access to Klara’s documentary Coco Cabasa as part of other exciting Christmas gifts!

We all need an Arab Sex Lamp!

We all need an Arab Sex Lamp!

My beautiful Goddesses,

Greetings from Tunisia. I send you here a little film I took in this beautiful museum, an old Arab house. The subject of the film is an old Arab Sex Lamp (300 years old!!), to protect women’s sexual right to pleasure! To make sure that women reach orgasm and that making love lasts for hours, that a man doesn’t come before a woman has had several orgasms!! Arab Muslim culture, to the surprise of many, has a long tradition in Slow Sex and female sexual pleasure.

I am here in my home city Sousse in Tunisia with an amazing group of women who participated at my Divine9Dance retreat. The youngest lady was 4 years old, you see her next to me in the film (she came with her mum and grand-mum!!), the oldest was 67+ years old. A great mix of generations, nationalities, cultures…

I took my ladies to this museum, a beautiful old Arab house from the 17th century. I showed them here the Arab ‘sex lamp’ burning with perfumed oil in one of the bedrooms. The lamp burns out for hours, and only when the lamp snuffs out is the man allowed to have an orgasm.

I grew up in such a house, with my grandmother bringing us to bed with the tales of 1001Night. Western children grew up with Snow-White laying in her glass coffin waiting to be awakened by the kiss of the prince on the white horse. Boooooooring!

I was brought up as an Arab-Muslim girl with the fairy tales’ of 1001 night where women would make love with different kind of men the whole night, eating, dancing, kissing, climaxing, resting, and starting all over again, from sunset until sunrise, until the light of the oil lamp fades away…

In the Muslim theology, men are not allowed to have an orgasm before the woman has had at least one. Period. Female pleasure and orgasm are protected, by the culture and by the Muslim jurisprudence.

According to recent research 40% of heterosexual women report having difficulty or an inability to reach orgasm. The first cause is stress and body shame, then comes the way men pleasure women in bed.

The sexual mis-education men receive from pornography plays a major role in here. In porn, the women look like they have orgasms during intercourse. Actually, they don’t. Many women involved in porn industry revealed that they never had orgasms on camera no matter how long the intercourse lasted.

However, they had orgasms at home during lovemaking in their private lives. What aroused them and lead them to orgasm was lots of kissing, cuddling, sensual whole-body massage, clitoris stimulation and most of all a SLOW pace.

Time to slow down in our modern stressed times. Time for Slow… slow food, slow work, slow sex. Time to introduce ancient Arab Sex lamps in Western bedrooms?

With Slow Shimmies,
Slow Boussa (kiss in arabic),

Kaouthar

PS. Leave me your comments below. I love reading you!

PSS. Stay tuned, my new online education Divine9Dance Training will be very soon released! Inscribe now if you want to be the first one to receive the ‘Special Divine Offer’!
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Gentlemen, Grab your penis instead of our pussy for a change! Enjoy looking with your hands and touching with your eyes!

Gentlemen, Grab your penis instead of our pussy for a change! Enjoy looking with your hands and touching with your eyes!

Writing this from Tahiti-French Polynesia, to be more specific from a boat sailing along the coast of the magnificent island Huahin, meaning… Vagina! I thought it was a joke, but it’s real.

French Polynesia in general and Huahin in particular has in every cell of its ocean, lagoons, rivers and jungle the same wild and sensual energy that radiates from the dancing hips of Polynesian women. Here I am facing the grandeur and magnificence of Mother Earth with all what is intrinsically feminine: beauty, grace, sensuality, wildness… what the French poet Charles Baudelaire calls in his famous poem ‘l’invitation au voyage’: “tout n’est qu’ordre et beaute, luxe, calme et volupte”. That’s the feminine: natural order, beauty, luxury, peace and sensuality…

Qualities which are threatened by extinction as our feminine sensuality has been reduced to pornification, prostitution, sexual violence, manipulation, sexual harassment, rape…

Here in Tahiti the extinction of the feminine sensuality and sexuality started with the European colonization in the 17th century. The first European sailors and missionaries, mostly puritan Victorian British, got overwhelmed by the free, wild and sensual dances of Polynesian women. They considered their dances as an invitation to the sexual. Even worse: as a provocation to the patriarchal men, by definition sexually frustrated and repressed; who decided to take by physical or financial force this free, wild and sensual feminine. Patriarchal men did not learn to ‘look with their hands and touch with their eyes’ as grand-ma would say.

The same scenario happened also elsewhere in the 17th century during the European colonization of the MENA region (Middle-East and North Africa). Like in Polynesia, the first Europeans saw sensual dance practiced by women, Raqsat al Ilahat, dance of the goddesses, the Divine Dance. These ancient dances (3000 years old) performed by women in the intimacy of houses caused an electroshock in their puritan brains.

The first action the European visitors undertook to enjoy this overwhelming feminine sensuality was to create brothels, helped by local men, where women were asked to perform their sensual dances for the ‘plaisir de Monsieur’. That was the moment when the feminine erotic innocence left the safe haven of the community to enter the poisonous jungle of brothels.

That’s the only space the puritan patriarchal mind could conceive for such a powerful feminine erotic energy: brothels and prostitution. And our contemporary patriarchal civilization has made an art of it: The Art of Pornification. Open any magazine, TV, social media page and it’s full of the representation of the female beauty and sensuality in a pornified way. Pornification of the female body, sensuality and sexuality in main stream media has become the norm. It’s EPIDEMIC.

Addressing nowadays the #metoo issues about sexual harassment and rape culture is great, but we need to open the Pandora box and dig deeper in the shit: we need to take the feminine erotic innocence back. Time has come to take the Huahine (vagina) out of the patriarchal culture of pornification and violence and give it back its ancient matriarchal dimension as in the past: The Divine. The Vagina is Divine. And my beloved gentlemen, we need need your precious help on this: keep your f**king hands off the Divine. Grab your penis instead of our pussy for a change. And as grand-ma said, learn to ‘look with your hands and touch with your eyes’.

I would love to read your comments! So write me!

The Sisterhood Dilemma: Why Women Accept Men, and have Zero tolerance for Women

The Sisterhood Dilemma: Why Women Accept Men, and have Zero tolerance for Women

I was watching an interview with of one my inspiring female leaders, Michelle Obama where she slams women who voted for Trump and asking women ‘What’s going on in our heads? We’re still at that stage where we’re trying to figure out what it means to be women. What we think of each other. In light of this last election, I’m concerned about us as women. How we let that happen. When the most qualified person running was a woman and look what we did instead. That says something about where we are.

Because if we, as women, are still suspicious of one another, if we still have this crazy, crazy bar for each other that we don’t have for men, if we’re still not comfortable with the notion that a woman could be our president, compared to what? It is frustrating to see a lot of men blow it and win.

Michelle Obama is officially addressing a subject very dear to my/our heart and which is at the core of our female evolution: Sisterhood.

From gender research we found it that “60% of women feel suspicious and nervous around other women”.

That’s pretty worrying, isn’t it?

During all these years of teaching gender studies, dancing and working with women, I realized that mistrust among women is quite high, and that women often don’t know clearly the ‘Do’s and Don’ts’ of Sisterhood. And I realized how lucky I was to have received that knowledge from my feminine lineage in North Africa.

So why do we feel uncomfortable, intimidated or distrustful around other women? How to feel comfortable, playful, encouraging and supportive among women?

One of my biggest sisterhood wounds was the ‘betrayal’ by a sister with who I was in business. That really, really, did hurt. I practiced a lot my dance to heal the wounds and gain my faith again in women. From this long dance process, I created the ‘Sisterhood Matrix’ for our dance which gives women a great road map enhance the ‘Women’s League’ with a great ‘Female Team Spirit’ .

But before exploring the ‘Sisterhood Matrix’ allow me to share with you some gender studies research about the main points that undermine sisterhood:

1. ‘Disloyal competition’ among women, Artemis Goddess of Sisterhood
Women are actually less competitive than men out in the world and less comfortable being competitive. Healthy competition and confidence are encouraged in boys but often seen as ‘unfeminine’ and ‘negative’ traits in girls. Team spirit and friendship provide a feeling of ‘brotherhood’, the glue that strengthens and bonds men when competition prevails.

When women compete, especially among each other, they don’t know how to compete in a healthy way. When they are out of balance, they compete from their Artemis shadows with ‘unhealthy competition’ and ‘rejection of women’.

But competition does not have to be dangerous or hurtful, it can be motivating and allow for healthy sublimation of aggression. Sports and dance work well for this. The dynamic Artemis Divine9Dance is a great tool to develop healthy competition among women! (There is a free video Divine9Dance® of Sisterhood about this! More below)

2. Envy, Aphrodite Goddess of Beauty
Some of the Lights of Aphrodite is her Beauty and of Artemis is her Focus. When women are out of balance (because of pain related to shame, guilt, fear, anger), their Aphrodite’s light (love for beauty) becomes shadow: vanity.

When we are not in balance, our Artemis capacity to focus on a goal becomes an obsessive/compulsive behavior.

The combination of Artemis- Aphrodite shadows (focus and obsession with beauty, looks) creates amongst women the ‘Snow White’s Step-mother Syndrome”. Hidden feelings of envy and desire for the other to fail – laced with guilt and shame – undermine the sisterhood spirit.

3. Jealousy, Hera Goddess of Sacred Marriage
A good example of this is when women whose husbands have had an affair blame the other woman more than they blame their spouse, holding the other woman more accountable – and seeing men as helpless in the grips of a desirable woman.
When we are in our Hera shadows we mistrust other women, especially when around our man/men. And this applies in general to the attitude of being suspicious about women and indulgent about men. What Michelle Obama describes as “we, as women, are still suspicious of one another, we still have this crazy, crazy bar for each other that we don’t have for men” That’s the Hera Shadows.

4. Anger & Aggression, Artemis & Athena, Testosterone Goddesses
Being able to experience and utilize anger and aggression in a constructive way is different from acting them out in hurtful ways. Autonomy cannot be achieved when actions are based on fear, and without the self-protective capacity to experience anger and aggression, which are part of drive.
The Athena-Artemis Divine9Dance is the perfect combination to enhance our testosterone level and create a sisterhood drive to achieve together what we want in life. This powerful dance helps us to not be frightened of aggression in ourselves or other women. It’s a creative ‘testosterone dance’ that shows us, in a fun way, how to feel comfortable with our own (and other women’s) drive and power, without feeling threatened or worrying that our own success will hurt them.

5. Passive-Aggressive: Demeter, Oxytocin Goddess
Another harmful combination for sisterhood is the Artemis-Demeter shadows. Artemis lights are assertiveness and courage, Demeter’s her empathy and caring. When Artemis is out of balance, she becomes aggressive and brutal; while Demeter becomes Mrs. Doormat, apathic/passive and cruel. The combination of their shadows create passive-aggressive behaviors that make women insecure and victimized (passive) or ‘catty’ and ‘bitchy’ (aggressive) among each other.

A healthy balance of competition (Artemis) and compassion (Demeter) means allowing oneself to do well and embrace a positive feeling of empowerment and strength while at the same time caring about friends’ feelings and supporting them in their own growth.

6. Overprotective: Demeter, Goddess Mother
Another shadow of Demeter is her ‘over-mothering’. When you succumb to an instinctive pressure to protect your ‘insecure’ and ‘victimized’ girlfriend (especially when she is in her Persephone shadow: insecure and victim). You may experience your own success as hurtful to your friend and sabotage yourself to not become the object of envy and resentment of your girlfriend/other women.

Taking responsibility for a friend’s feelings is different from being caring and empathic. Being over-protective at the expense of one self weakens relationships by leading to a hidden sense of burden and resentment, passive aggressive behavior, or withdrawal.

7. Pleasing: Persephone, The Goddess Child
Women often take care of people emotionally and rely on the approval of others to feel good about themselves. Women’s fear of triumph over others may lead to keeping themselves small and down (consciously or unconsciously). We keep ourselves, and our girlfriends ‘small’. The sisterhood becomes a place where we shrink together instead of shining together or even… shining alone!

Dependency on other women and over-focus on others’ approval (shadows Persephone) makes us endure the frustration of being unable to fulfill our true potential in terms of ambition, sexuality and power.
When we don’t connect and express our own strength and power, we develop the mistrust of the power of other women. Discomfort with our own power can make us inhibit ourselves to protect a female friend, and feeling mistrustful and helpless in the face of another woman’s perceived destructive power.
We practice here the Persephone Divine9Dance to allow ourselves to be separate and autonomous and still maintain close connections with other women. An example of this is giving oneself permission to dance the Happy Divine9Dance while, at the same time, other women dance the Sad Divine9Dance.
With the Divine9Dance® of Sisterhood, we dance to manage and heal our sisterhood pain/shadows: our envy, jealousy, insecurities and victimhood. And we dance to transform these into gain/lights: caring, empathy, joy, power; to enjoy each other’s achievements and successes. There is no better ‘glue’ for the sisterhood than dancing together the Divine9Dance® to shine and celebrate our successes!
To your success, because your success is my success!

With LLL (Love, Light & Laughter)

Kaouthar

PS 1. I will soon release a Divine9Dance® of Sisterhood! Stay tuned! And please share your thoughts with me about this.

PS 2. And if you want to experience LIVE the Divine9Dance® of Sisterhood, join me at my Bootcamp 21-22 July in Amsterdam.

PS 3. And if you need a deeper experience, then join me at the Divine9Dance one week intensive 23-29 July in Amsterdam or 21-28 October in Tunisia.

Kaouthar on #MeToo, #BalanceTonPorc, illusion, fantasy, play, sex-negotiations and The Art of SeductionBlog 3 of 3 – PLEAD FOR MORE SEDUCTION (AND LESS HATRED AND HYSTERICAL CONFUSION ABOUT VICTIMHOOD AND FEMINISM)

Kaouthar on #MeToo, #BalanceTonPorc, illusion, fantasy, play, sex-negotiations and The Art of Seduction

Blog 3 of 3 – PLEAD FOR MORE SEDUCTION (AND LESS HATRED AND HYSTERICAL CONFUSION ABOUT VICTIMHOOD AND FEMINISM)

“Attractive wins and ugly loses in today’s rat race” was the summarizing headline when the concept of ‘erotic capital’ was introduced, back in 2011. Even more so today “the financial returns of attractiveness equal the returns of qualifications”. Many young women now see beauty is just as important as education. Those who possess erotic capital have a big advantage: “They smile at the world and find that the world smiles back and remembers them.”

But what exactly does Hakim mean with that ‘attractive’? What is ‘attractiveness’, ‘beauty’, ‘erotic capital as advantage’, that… ‘smile’? Should we adapt to the idea? How?

It’s simply this: Character, charisma and female flairs. It is less ‘Victimhood Chic’ (as Mark Manson describes it in ‘The noble art of not giving a f*ck’) and more emphasis on personal responsibility.

Take, again, #MeToo as latest example. We all need to be aware that the media, besides their attempts to dig for ‘objective truth’, scrutinizes every hurt, no matter how light, which generates general anger, in a way it arouses the anger of another part of the population.

The result is a ping-pong of self-fueled ‘shit-storms’ back and forth between two imaginary parties, in this case activist women and perhaps the women who find it over-the-top. ‘No wonder we are politically more divisive than ever’. With people having become addicted to feeling permanently hurt, the victim of the other. They become high, feel morally superior, and to them that feels good. (It is even more sinister than most vices because they do not even consciously acknowledge that it provides satisfaction).

In these postmodern times with less coherent systems of shared philosophies, the victim with his/her emotions (seen as ‘non-contradictory opinions’) has become the central figure, with his/her ‘emotions‘ boosted into sentiments by the social media (sentiments which are even worse, because complacency is the core of it, with a gleam of superiority, compelling and intimidating).

Why I elaborate so much on these abstracts? While IT’S A VIRUS THAT TOTALLY DESTROYS THE SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE SELF – and creates hatred instead of dialogue.

Without the sense of responsibility ‘Character, Charisma and Female flair’ hardly get a chance. The Catherines from France (see my previous blogs) may have decided to not add much more to what they’ve already said – and that is a pity.

What they might have wanted to say next is: Neither radical feminism which is obsessed with politically correct language, nor academic feminism, which believes that reality, awareness and knowledge are organised by ‘language and definitions’ can understand preverbal or non-verbal intersexual communication. Feminism focusing on sexual politics cannot see that sex first of all exists in and through the body. Sexual desire and arousal cannot be fully translated into verbal terms. Which is why the sexes so often misunderstand each other.

As the Catherines probably think: By trying to remake the future on terms that are impossible this American feminism cuts itself off from sexual history. It discards and suppresses the sexual myths of literature, art and religion: the turbulence, the mysteries and the passions of sex. In mythology we see men’s sexual anxiety, their fear of woman’s dominance. Much sexual violence is rooted in men’s sense of psychological weakness toward women. (It takes many men to deal with one woman like us..!)

Their simple, healthy, more sound observation just is: Yes, she is abused, but he is absolutely tragic and pathetic. One is temporary, the other is permanent.

Or perhaps the ladies would have wanted to say this: There never has been and perhaps never will be sexual harmony. Every girl must learn to take personal responsibility for her sexuality, which is nature’s red flame. She must be prudent and cautious about where she goes and with whom. When she makes a mistake she must take the consequences and, through self-criticism, resolve never to make that mistake again. Running to social media is unworthy of strong women. Posting lists of guilty men is infantile stuff. You go to the police and/or you resolve things by yourself.

The French and Mediterranean philosophy of life espouses high-energy confrontation. Deal with it. On the spot. “Fuck off, you jerk! Buy a sex-doll…”. Chop off heads if you have to.

To me, it means once more and again, that women must reorient themselves toward the elemental powers of sex, Athena, Artemis and Aphrodite, which can strengthen or destroy. The only solution is a female self-awareness and self-control. A woman’s number one line of defence is herself, second is society/community, then is the juridical system. Last on the list is the media, especially social, where discussions go everywhere and the most militant monopolize the opinion, where currently a paranoid sex culture rules and where a woman who is squeezed into the buttocks during carnival can claim as much attention as someone who has been pulled off the bicycle, and where there’s only black and white, no shades of grey.

Don’t misread my plead here as description of biological determinism, like ‘females are made to seduce, for this they have tits and asses… so that’s what they have to use.’ That is not what I’m saying.
I say this; it is necessary for both men and women to learn to behave as civilized beings. Elevating ethics is something we can and should learn. Morals. Behaviour. Etiquette. Manners. Indeed, ‘Charisma, Character and Female Flairs’, as the total opposite of pussy grabbing American presidents whose favourite pastime besides Twitter is probably reading 90s issues of Playboy. We’re talking evolution here!

My kind of feminism stresses personal responsibility. If feminism means something, it should be encouraging women to take control of every aspect of their sex lives, including their own longings for power, their impulses, tastes, conflicts and disappointments and their development into Goddesses in the field. In other words, in order to become the dominant forces, we need to be masters of our own Arts. Pursuit and seduction are the essence of sexuality. Part of the sizzle. Which you better control. Because that is what strong women do. Knowing others (read: men) is wisdom; but knowing yourself (what you could do with them if you dare) is enlightenment.

We’ve made an enormous transition out of the Stone Age to the post-modern Age of Realisation/The Social Age. My bootcamps about The Art of Seduction are about furthering civilization: as seduction is a fine art of behavioural dominance. It’s behaving in a courtly, polite, respectful manner, pursuing but giving the time and the grace and the space to stimulate decisions of consent. It’s about how to create the ambiance, integrated with all our other desires for aesthetic and sensory stimuli. Romance, intrigue, sexual mystique… (Is it coincidence these are all French words?)

Truly sophisticated seducers know that the other has to be courted (both ways!) to be overwhelmed and that women love an ambiance and are better in setting a stage. And that you need to bring in that sizzle, together with a bit of glamour.

Seduction is always more singular and sublime than sex and it commands the higher price. Beauty and seduction, I believe, is NATURE’S TOOL FOR SURVIVAL, because we will protect what we fall in love with: When we worship beauty, we are worshipping life itself.

Meaning this: time’s up, we know what to do; for the next five decades or so it’s better when we take the lead and go back to basics: Men are men and women are women. One needs to seduce the other. In order to dance together.